The War Within

By Bonnie Tinker

Is your family recognized and privileged by the government? Many families, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, are shut out from government privileges and benefits. Although family is about more than sex and procreation, our laws are written to give special legal and financial advantages to a select group of opposite sex conjugal couples.

These couples access their privileges by registering with the State through a marriage license.

The struggle for family freedom is about more than same-sex marriage.

Consider these examples — do you know these people?

Your brother is sick and out of work. He lives with you. You are single and have an employer that offers health insurance, including benefits for your dependents. Can you claim your sibling?

You are a U.S. citizen. Your mother is an undocumented immigrant. Can you protect her from deportation?

You and your long term “fiancé” have health problems and think it would be a good idea to get legally married for health benefits and inheritance rights to the home you share. Your fiancé’s kids from a previous relationship need their parent to fill out the federal student financial aid form. If you get legally married your income must be claimed and the kids lose significant scholarship and student loans. Can you afford to get legally married? Can you afford not to marry?

Your dad is disabled and living on SSI benefits and wants to marry his sweetheart, also on SSI. If they marry their combined income will be reduced and they may need your help. Can they afford marriage? Can you afford to encourage them to marry?

You and your friends never intend to marry, but live together in a large house which you bought together. You have no right to the tax or inheritance benefits provided to legally married couples. Is this fair?

Sex, gender, gender identity or orientation is not the primary obstacle for any of these families. Although the denial of legal benefits to same-sex families first alerted many LGBT activists to the issue of marriage, many of us soon realized that the central issue was the right of every individual to form a family of her or his own choosing. If the government provides benefits and financial support to any family, every family has the right to expect equal benefits.

On July 25, 2006 over 300 activists, educators, community organizers, artists, journalists, lawyers and scholars released a statement, “Beyond Same-Sex Marriage: A New Strategic Vision For All Our Families and Relationships.” This strategy seeks access to a flexible set of economic benefits and options regardless of sexual orientation, race, gender/gender identity, class or citizenship status.

Practically speaking, this lets the elephant out of the family room: there are many families in our society that are effectively excluded from the protections and benefits offered through legal marriage. It is time to open up the dialog and ask some basic questions about family life and survival: Why shouldn’t the legal rights of marriage be granted to any two adults, regardless of sex or sexual intention? Sex and procreation are no longer required for a legal marriage. Many people live long and happy lives without ever living with a sexual partner or having children; many others spend a significant part of their life when their chosen family does not include a sexual partner. Why don’t these families count?

Why don’t our laws deal with the new ways families are forming and reforming? Most couplings and marriages are not lifelong; how do our laws deal with emerging family structures?

Why should de facto parents have to present themselves as sexually involved opposite sex couples to gain “legitimacy” for their children? Many children are raised by grandparents, relatives, step parents, and many are unrelated genetically or through marriage to the parents who raise them.

What happens to families who are effectively cut out of access to legal marriage and, therefore, to health benefits? The Salt Lake City council recently enacted an ordinance allowing employees to identify an “adult designee” who would be entitled to health insurance benefits in conjunction with the benefits provided to the employee.

When safety nets such as social security are under attack, what is the sense of simply adding one more group, same-sex couples who can afford marriage, to share the shrinking pot? We need to address the real issue of providing for the financial needs of all elders and disabled people.

Why should the beliefs of one religious group determine the legal rights that will be bestowed or denied to all? Faith communities vary on what family structures they recognize and bless; separation of family law and religious marriage preserves this diversity.

It is time that we all started addressing these questions by talking honestly about our families in all of their complexity, and sharing the struggle we face in sustaining these primary relationships. Love Makes A Family is joining with the American Friends Service Committee and Multnomah Monthly Meeting of Friends to sponsor a booth at the Oregon State Fair to talk about marriage and family issues. Volunteers also include members of PFLAG and the Elder Resource Alliance.

Whatever you own immediate family structure, this is your issue. Families are the first layer of building community. Sustainable communities support families- all families. Come join us and put in a word for your family.

Bonnie Tinker is the Executive Director of Love Makes A Family, Inc. (bonnie (at) LMFamily.org). She and her colleague, Cecil Prescod, are signers on the Beyond Same-Sex Marriage Strategy statement. The complete statement can be accessed at www.beyondmarriage.org.